Edward the Sexy Vampire: Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars – points of light and reason. And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything….There was no distraction from the agony. My heart hasn’t beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone – like I was hollow. Like I’d left everything that was inside me here with you.
Basically my life has been GuiltyPleasuresVille for the past few days. I’ve been reading The Sweet Far Thing on and off for a few days, and although I have 37 books out from the library that are due in varying degrees of soonness, I had to take a break and read Tamsin which I own and besides – can’t imagine what possessed me – I watched the pilot of Gossip Girl a few days ago, after which of course I had to watch all of Gossip Girl, and then of course there is Guiding Light, my beloved soap opera, which has been getting kind of interesting ever since Jonathan came back, and now Reva has completely messed up everything by – well, I’ll spare you the details. Point is, I decided that I was going to read New Moon and finish up The Sweet Far Thing and then really, really devote myself to 1) Serious Reading; and 2) schoolwork (not in that order).
(P.S. I would never ever have confessed publicly to watching Gossip Girl if my extremely clever Indie Sister hadn’t told us yesterday that she used to read the books on which the show was based when she took baths. “I know!” she wailed. “I should have been reading Kafka!”)
Anyway, New Moon is absurd. I can’t even review it with a straight face. Basically, what happens is that Edward freaks out about how he and his family are going to kill Bella, and shortly thereafter he tells her that he doesn’t love her anymore and is leaving; and because Bella has apparently never read a single book with girls-in-jeopardy or seen Moulin Rouge or that episode of Wonderfalls or any of the ten million other things that would have clued her in on this, she buys it immediately and goes into Enormous Crisis Misery mode for several months. Then she becomes besties with Jacob, this kid in town who turns out (who’s surprised? I’m not!) to be a werewolf, bless him. Some stuff happens, and then some more stuff happens, and she jumps off a cliff just for shits and gigs, and then she goes and stops Edward from killing himself because he thinks she’s dead and then he’s all omg I’ll never leave you again and she’s all you totally promised that you would turn me into a vampire so let’s do it after I graduate, kay? and he’s all I hate myself but I have to agree. And Jacob can’t be friends with her anymore now that Edward’s back because Edward’s a vampire and Jacob’s a werewolf so they automatically hate each other and anyway they’re both madly in love with Bella so they hate each other about that too.
I thought Jacob was a big cutie. Aw, he’s much cuter than Edward. I know that Bella can’t be without Edward without switching into Enormous Crisis Misery mode, but I would really like it if Edward did something completely unforgivable and Bella decided she hated him forever and then fell in love with Jacob, who’s like a cute little puppy dog. I vote yes to cute little puppy dogs. Jacob, incidentally, is also a grave danger to Bella if he gets too emotional, so this scenario would not require a cessation of torture and self-loathing on the part of Bella’s leading man. Sadly I know that will never happen.
And now I will write my papers. Or watch The Laramie Project, which is still procrastination, but is also Serious and Improving and therefore feels less like a waste of time.