MONKALONG!, part 4

This book is so stupid. It’s good we’re reading it in chunks, because I’m pretty sure if you read it all in one go, its overwhelmingly stupidity would cause you to go blind. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve said “Oh fuck off” out loud to this book. But let’s get in on this.

Fair warning

So in the first chapter of the third volume, it seems that Agnes is not only merely dead, she’s really most sincerely dead. Alphonso (the world’s most boring storyteller) takes to his bed in his grief, while Lorenzo believes everything a nun tells him, even if she’s Obviously Evil ™. So it’s up to Theodore to do some reconnaissance work re: Agnes, by which he discovers through Non-Evil Nun Ursula that Agnes is dead, that the nunnery is a hotbed of wickedness, and that Non-Evil Nun Ursula is ready to blow the whole thing wide open.

Meanwhile, in an imperfectly-synched-up storyline across the way that seems to have nothing to do with this one at all, THE MONK sneaks into Antonia’s room and renders her instantly and painlessly unconscious with his Lucifer-supplied stick (not a euphemism). As he’s preparing to rape her (you’re the worst, Ambrosio), Elvira walks in on him.

Here’s the thing, Elvira. Antonia is unconscious, and your frail and sickly screams are as the squeaking of a domestic guinea pig, so your first move should probably be to secure your safety and the safety of your daughter and worry about the legal side later. When Elvira first walks in, the only thing THE MONK wants to do is get out, but then Elvira’s all like:

It’s actually pretty great, I’m not going to lie.

“I promise not only that Antonia shall be secure from me in future, but that the rest of my life shall prove ….”

Elvira interrupted him abruptly.

“Antonia secure from you? I will secure her!”

Damn right, Elvira! You know this dude can’t be trusted. But also — maybe save it for a time when you’re not all alone with him? Because the next thing that happens is that THE MONK kills Elvira, leaves her corpse on Antonia’s bedroom floor, and takes off.


Ugh, and then THE MONK has a whole plan where he’s going to give Antonia a drug that will make her seem dead, and they’ll inter her in the monastery, and then THE MONK can go downstairs to the crypt and rape her there, because she’ll be entirely in his power. I was okay with this except that, when the plan goes into effect, we see Antonia’s heartbeat grow “sluggish” and she subsequently “expires.” But then, stealthily, THE MONK gets anxious and checks her pulse AND SHE STILL HAS A PULSE.

Like I know eighteenth-century Spanish medicine wasn’t so much when you compare it to our modern standards, but they presumably knew about pulses, right? They presumably had sufficient knowledge of how to where they don’t inter people who still have a pulse?

Baby turtle knows to ask this, but Ye Olde Spanish Coroners do not.

Whatever. I don’t even care. Next there’s a mighty nun showdown where Non-Evil Nun Ursula gives a speech to a crowd explaining how the nunnery murdered poor Agnes, and the crowd promptly riots and stones half the nuns to death. A disillusioned Lorenzo goes running into the nunnery for reasons I can’t be bothered to remember, and guess what he discovers there.

No, guess.

If you guessed “oubliette,” you are correct (I WAS RIGHT). If you guessed “oubliette containing ZOMBIE NUN,” you are even correcter.

Okay. I actually can’t top that. I’m done for the day. Zombie nun.1

Thanks to Alice, as ever, for hosting!

  1. She’s not really a zombie. She is just emaciated and starving to the point that her own closest kin can’t recognize her. POTATO POTAHTO.
  • nikki

    So this just sounds so horrible, but damn have I been enjoying reading you read it. So at least there’s that.

    • Hahahaha, well, good. At least something good is coming out of my reading this ridiculous m.f. book.

  • Chrisbookarama

    This book! Blargh! I knew Elvira was a goner because her screams were “too faint” like that’s a thing. Somehow a monk knows about pulses but not doctors. Great school system they must have there.

    • I know, right? “Too faint”? What even is that? She’s got the most attentive duenna for Antonia in all the land, but she’s unable to scream loudly enough to wake that lady up? It does not take that loud of a scream to wake someone up!

  • Alley

    I’m pretty sure that monk doctor they keep using has no idea what he’s doing. He thought it would just sound cool to say he’s a doctor and he literally knows less about doctoring than Ambrosio does.

    I bet Agnes isn’t so starved she’s unrecognizable. I’m betting instead Lorenzo is just an idiot.

    • Hahahah, I do not disagree. Lorenzo is for sure an idiot. I so hope someone murders him in the final two chapters.

  • Stefanie@SoManyBooks

    Have I told you how much I enjoy reading your Monkalong posts? I am looking forward to what you make of the, er, climax. 🙂

    • Ahahahaha, I see what you did thur. :p I am planning to read the last section this evening, so we’ll see how that goes.

  • Even though I have this on my e-reader, I’m not sure I can read this now! Your posts are much more fun than I can imagine the actual book could possibly be. Well, maybe….

    • Hahahah, the book is super ridiculous. Save it for a day when you need something maximally ridiculous.

  • Sharry Cee

    Argh. It just seems to be getting terribler and terrible-rrr! And honestly, there is nothing I hate more than a stoning 🙁 And Catherine read this and squirmed but for other reasons…hah

    • Yeah, the stoning kind of came out of nowhere. I was not okay with it. If I’d known there was going to be a stoning, I’d — I mean, I’d probably still have read the book, but it’d’ve been swell to know this in advance.

  • What. The. Fuck.

  • All of your updates have just been so great. I am never, ever going to read this book but happy to be getting it vicariously through you and all these GIFs 🙂

  • Dana Huff

    This one sounds pretty nuts. I am loving the gifs, though.

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  • Nishita

    I don’t quite get how people take to their beds in grief. I have yet to see it in real life. Mostly it’s so much hard work getting things sorted out after a death. All the paperwork, all the cooking, dealing with visitors and phone calls, and urggh. But in both your Monk posts, it seems some dude has taken to his bed in grief. And oh, I do wish there was a zombie nun, that might have been fun!