In this installment of Stuff to Worry About, we are going to worry about jellyfish. I recently read (and aggressively loved) the Best American Science and Nature Writing book that Mary Roach edited, and one of the essays was about jellyfish. Did you know you needed to be worried about jellyfish? You need to be worried about jellyfish. They can survive anything. They proliferate in water with insanely high acidity levels. They are the cockroaches of the sea, basically, except unlike cockroaches, they also sting you. Places that never used to have jellyfish now have jellyfish. There are trillions of kinds of jellyfish and you cannot escape them anywhere. Also, a jellyfish mouth is the same as its anus.
Here’s what this means to me. When all the other fish have died out, and the plagues and natural disasters have come, and the pitifully reduced human race is struggling to survive, we will be surviving by eating jellyfish. FOREVER. If that doesn’t convince you to take ecological issues seriously, I don’t know what will.
(I feel like this theory is going to make me into a crazy person. I’ll see someone throwing a water bottle into a trash can and I’ll grab them and be like DO YOU WANT TO BE EATING JELLYFISH FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? THEIR MOUTHS ARE THEIR ASSES! RECYCLE YOUR WATER BOTTLE!)