Okay, I got distracted and forgot to write about the first six chapters of Elinor Glyn’s 1907 trashy book Three Weeks, but luckily Alice, the host of the readalong, had it covered. I’m going to catch us up REAL QUICK on all the action of the first six chapters and then get into the second six.
The book opens with this introduction for American readers:
And to all who read, I say—at least be just! and do not skip. No line is written without its having a bearing upon the next, and in its small scope helping to make the presentment of these two human beings vivid and clear.
This is my favorite thing anyone has ever said in the introduction of a book. Wow. That she feels the need to start the entire book by saying “Read the whole thing” does not — I’m going to be so honest with y’all — bode well for the book’s quality going forward. But I’ll let you know how much I am or am not compelled to skip.
And one terrible day Paul unfortunately kissed the large pink lips of Isabella as his mother entered the room.
I will draw a veil over this part of his life.
But honestly, as I started reading the book, I found it — kind of hilarious and amazing? I was expecting it not to be good but it is actually funny and engaging, and I am not being sarcastic. It’s really charming! No wonder everyone liked Elinor Glyn and didn’t want to read the Ruby Hat of Omar Kayayayayay. (This is a Music Man reference.)
Anyway, our man Paul has contracted a fondness for an inappropriate target, a red-handed girl named Isabella Waring (poor Isabella), and to prevent him from making a disastrous mistake (marriage), his mother sends him off on his Grand Tour. There he meets THE LADY. The first scene in which she appears is typically ridiculous and amazing: They’re eating at the same restaurant, and Paul just gets REALLY REALLY ANGRY that she’s….eating. Every time she gets another thing to eat, Paul’s like, Oh, another type of FOOD that she’s just going to EAT, like who does this bitch think she is sitting here in a restaurant EATING RESTAURANT FOOD? and then he rage-drinks another glass of port.
She invites him back to her place, where there is a tiger skin, and Paul is like “wow I thought her eyes were green but they are purple” which is two extremely different colors and I can draw no conclusion except that Paul is colorblind. Then when she tells him to leave her for his own good, her eyes are gray because Paul is an idiot. He’s like “I’ll never leave you! This is real!” and then he — leaves? It’s very strange. She seems clearly to have invited him to her place for SIN but then once they’re there, and she’s proposing a liaison, he immediately leaves and this appears to be what she expects. Sin must have been different in olden days.
Next thing you know, he’s broken it off with Isabella by letter and purchased a tiger skin for the lady (whose real name we still don’t know, by the way, and Paul has NOT YET ASKED). She puts on a crepe garment for lounging and writhes about on the tiger skin, and Paul’s like “yeah awright it’s time to get to the sexin” but instead she’s like “oh let’s read fairy tales together, darling.” IN LATIN. This lady. But this proves sufficient foreplay, I guess, and they bang on the tiger skin.
That concludes the first reading installment, so we can now get to chapters 7-12 of this nonsense book, which mostly consist of banging it out in various European locales. An aspect of it that I genuinely find really pleasing is this reversal of genders: Paul’s the one yearning for the favors of a mysterious older woman, and you know what happens the day after they sin on the tiger skin? She IGNORES HIM. She ignores him ALL DAY. He convinces himself that she must have meant to not ignore him, so he just stands outside her terrace in the rain waiting for her to emerge and invite him in for more tiger-skin sinning. Then the day after that she invites him up into the mountains for a tryst.
Then, um, this happens:
Its milky whiteness lit by her strange eyes—green as cats’ they seemed, and blazing with the fiercest passion of love—while twisted round his throat he felt a great strand of her splendid hair. The wildest thrill as yet his life had known then came to Paul; he clasped her in his arms with a frenzy of mad, passionate joy.
BREATH PLAY IS DANGEROUS. THIS HAS BEEN A PSA. But also, I did not know that people in olden times knew about erotic asphyxiation, and I kind of get why Hermione Gingold didn’t want her daughter reading this book. It’s kind of a dirty book! Sexytimes on tiger skins! Sexy strangling! Bestowing weird kisses upon Paul while he’s sleeping. The book actually says that. “Strange, subtle kisses, unlike the kisses of women.” I like have no idea what that means, but also, this lady needs to wake Paul up and get his consent before she goes sexing up his sleeping body.
There is but one false note to this extremely weird idyll: Her manservant, Dmitry, shows up in Paul’s room and offers him a revolver. Paul doesn’t want it because who carries revolvers around during their summer vacations? But Dmitry is weirdly insistent, so Paul agrees in the end. I’m sure this gun won’t come back to haunt us.
Next time: Chapters 13-18! I hope someone gets shot!