(Oh, I forgot to tell you, I’m only using Crimson Peak gifs this week, because it’s the greatest movie of our time, yet could not have existed without this garbage fire of a book.)

(It probably could have. Someone else would have written an influential Gothic novel that would have fit into this slot.)

Anyway, this week THE MONK rapes Antonia, and the least said about that the better. Afterward he feels guilty and he thinks maybe he’ll let her live the rest of her life down there in the crypt, and then she sort of talks him into letting her leave, but regrettably, Matilda comes along all like

While they’re debating whether to kill Antonia or not, she sensibly takes off running. I can’t remember if she hears Lorenzo’s voice and goes running so he can save her, or if she takes off running first and hears Lorenzo’s voice second. Needless to say, I can’t be bothered going back to check. She runs headlong through the halls of the crypt area, screeching like a banshee (luckily she screams louder than Elvira) and does not stop even when THE MONK stabs her to shut her up.

So Antonia’s dead, Lorenzo’s inconsolable, and THE MONK and Matilda have to go to the Inquisition to be tried for their crimes. Lorenzo takes to his bed in grief (don’t worry, there’s a consolation prize named Victoria awaiting him, or maybe it’s Virginia, I honestly DGAF anymore), and guess who sits with him to console him through this difficult time because she can see that he’s in need of comfort.

NO, GUESS.

If you guessed “Agnes” and then howled “WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY,” then you and I are in total agreement. As a reminder, when we left Agnes, she was in such a zombified, skeletal state that her own nearest kin (Lorenzo) was unable to recognize her. She had been poisoned, starved, and brutalized for weeks while pregnant, and then she had the baby, which died from lack of nourishment, rotted in her arms, and MAGGOTS CRAWLED ON AGNES’S HANDS WHILE SHE SLEPT.

But she sees that Lorenzo really needs comfort because this girl he barely knew just died. Sure. Yes. Fine.

Oh, and Lewis does explain why nobody recognized Agnes before. It’s because her hair was messed up. I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING. And Agnes marries her long-winded boyfriend (may you always be satisfied), and Lorenzo marries his consolation prize (ditto), and Flora gets to go back to Cuba (good for you, Flora!), and we never hear anything about Not-Now Christoval (sigh).

After all this, THERE IS STILL ANOTHER CHAPTER TO READ. The Inquisition tortures Matilda and Ambrosio into confessing, and Ambrosio’s so frightened of being ?further tortured? and burned at the stake that he agrees to sell his soul to Lucifer if Lucifer will set him free of this prison and keep him safe from the Inquisition. In a twist I have to feel Ambrosio should have seen coming if he has read anything about the devil before ever, Lucifer frees him from the prison but then immediately throws him off a cliff, thereby consigning Ambrosio’s soul to eternal hellfire and torment.

THE END.

I hope you have enjoyed my torments as I’ve plowed through what may legitimately be the worst book in all of history. I cannot exactly remember why I hounded Alice into doing this readalong, but anyway it has been a pleasure to share the absurdity/suffering with all you lovely people (readalongers and non-readalongers alike!).

The post MONKALONG! (the end at last) appeared first on Reading the End.

Quote: “Ambrosio rioted in delights till then unknown to him.” Ahahahahahahahahahaha. I would read three more chapters about Ambrosio discovering sex. Ambrosio discovers hand jobs! Ambrosio discovers oral! Ambrosio buys a butt plug!

Okay, but then, because THE MONK is a garbage human being and he always was, he starts liking Matilda less and less. Don’t get me wrong. He continues to sleep with her. He’s just resentful about it. He’s like, why is she having so much sex with me? What’s wrong with her that she’s willing to have sex with me all the time?

Quote: ” She assumed a sort of courage and manliness in her manners and discourse but ill-calculated to please him.”

His frustration with Matilda and her perpetual sexual availability even extends to the picture of the Madonna that he once cherished (for reasons that are too stupid to record here, the portrait looks like Matilda), and — in probably my favorite moment of this section — he tears the picture off the wall and screams “PROSTITUTE” at it.

Anyway, the next thing that happens (I knew it) is that he becomes obsessed with beautiful virginal ingenue Antonia. By agreeing to visit her sick mother (Elvira is sick by this time) as her confessor, he gets to be at Antonia’s house all the time in secret. Elvira, possibly the only non-stupid person in this story, doesn’t trust him. When THE MONK tries to hang out with Antonia just the two of them, Elvira gives it the absolute side-eye.

However, lest we get too attached to Elvira, I should also mention that she copies out the Bible by hand for Antonia, excluding any passages that she thinks would not be appropriate for Antonia’s Innocence ™. Good work, Elvira. Top-notch parenting.

So THEN Ambrosio makes out with Antonia in private because he thinks she’s into it, and THEN he goes back to the monkery, where Matilda tells him she can get Antonia for him as long as he’s willing to deal in a little black magic. Ambrosio says no, but then Matilda busts out her magic mirror (she has a magic mirror), and knowing that the one thing THE MONK can’t resist is boobs, she uses her magic mirror to show him Antonia’s boobs, and he’s immediately like YES OKAY I AGREE TO SERVE SATAN.

Downstairs they go to do spells with Satan, and Satan gives THE MONK a twig that will allow him to gain access to Antonia’s bedroom and have sex with her while she’s unconscious.

Oh, and Matilda is careful to specify that Antonia will know, when she wakes up, that she’s been raped, but she just won’t know who raped her. WHY THOUGH. WHY MAKE IT BE THIS WAY. You guys are jerks. Matilda also tells THE MONK that this is the absolute last thing Lucifer will do for him on Matilda’s behalf. If THE MONK wants further favors from the devil, he will have to make his own contract with him.

Hm. Wonder if that’s going to come to fruition.

(It is.)

(For sure.)

Although The Monk is gearing up for super icky rape, this section was still more interesting than the last one. I’m dreading the following chapters, which I have to assume are going to return, at some point, to Boring Agnes and Boring Lorenzo and Boring Alphonso. You know who I miss? I miss Christoval. Let’s get that guy back in here.

The post MONKALONG, part 3 appeared first on Reading the End.